Touchscreen Laptops: How the Surface should have been awesome but Microsoft marketed it all wrong

Touchscreen Laptops: How the Surface should have been awesome but Microsoft marketed it all wrong

TOUCH ME. 

That's basically what modern tech has become. Things we touch, all over, with our sweaty fingers and clawing...claws. TOUCH THE FUTURE, BABY, RIGHT THERE. 

Starting with the iPhone and then moving on to the iPad (which one was the bigger game changer, who can say?), computing has taken a dramatic shift from "how can we make this as unnecessarly complex yet powerful enough to render every freckle on Nathan's face in full 3D?" to "let's make a computer even GRANDMA could use and somehow not get a billion viruses on!"

Poor grandma. 

But needless to say, making everything dumb and for babies doesn't necessarily fill every need. While tablets are an awesome, portable, streamlined, and malleable way to engage in computing, they are (like everything) limited by the software platforms they are built on. And while iOS and Android offer varying levels of software customization and options (one more than the other...), they're still a far cry from regular desktop computers. Even with the "mobile" version of multitasking, it doesn't have the true multitasking features of a standard desktop computer, with cascading windows and the ability to have fifteen programs open at once because YOU BOUGHT 16 GB OF RAM AND BY GEORGE I'M GONNA USE EM.

Even on Android, the best of the bunch when it comes to "openness" in a mobile platform, multitasking is still a massive pain in the butt that requres several steps to get to. So long as I can't have a browser and EverNote on the same screen so I can pretend to pay attention in class while still taking emergency notes, tablets just ain't gonna compete with my laptop.

Pictured: Not actual useful multitasking. And yes, this is on my android tablet. 

But then Microsoft (who, to be fair, got snubbed hard early on by developing tablet computers but suffered the crime of "not being Apple" and thus saw them fail horribly) presented something new. Something Hot! Something AMAZING! It's called...the SURFACE. And it's gonna be totally rad and blow you completely away! What is it?! Is it a tablet? Is it a computer? Is it BOTH!? Have all my dreams come true?!

Uh...that's actually a good question. And here we get into the first problem.

Pictured: The actual future of Laptops, and a garbage Tablet. Which is which? You'll find out!

Microsoft's Surface is, to put it simply, an attempt to hybridize laptops and tablets into a more business oriented, practical machine. Sort of. At least the Pro is. These things have USB ports (like actual USB ports, no weird adapter required), run Windows (though we'll get on that later), have both touchscreens and attachable keyboards (or you can just bluetooth or plug one in) and nifty little stands. And the use Windows 8, and are currently the only device in existence that Windows 8 actually sort of works as advertised for. Unless you stay in Desktop mode 99% of the time, which is how I usually experience my Windows 8.

So the Surface had a lot of fanfare when it was announced, but people were skeptical. What really made this different? Was this a tablet interface, or a Windows interface? Would it run all my old Windows software, or was it limited to the Metro (or whatever the heck it's called now) style apps? What IS this thing? And what is the difference between the RT and the Pro besides cost?

And then Microsoft did the worst thing possible. It didn't tell anybody. In addition to that, it released two tablets that (as we'll show in a minute) do completely different things but still have the same name and because of that some marketer was like "Screw this noise" and so no actual marketing got done because how do you market a product that has two of the same name but both actual products are entirely different in terms of functionality?

Answer, you don't, and Microsoft now has crates and crates of Gen 1 Surfaces lying in their warehouses untouched by humanity except to occasionally show up on deep discount on ebay or something.

Hanging out with the Ark of the Covenant probably, who knows. 

The fallout for Windows 8 is known by pretty much anybody, even people who haven't touched the software. Traditional Windows users were pissed because Metro was clearly designed for a touch screen but had awful functionality on a mouse/keyboard setup. Grandma, who was used to her iPad and Windows Vista, had no idea how to do anything because the Metro interface was also interspersed with desktop only apps (like Office. Seriously? You couldn't have made a Metro version of office? At least Ubiquitize your crappy interface, dudes!) and so she lost her mind and bought an iPad Mini instead. Hardcore users, business users, casual users; everybody was pissed off with Windows 8. The only people who weren't pissed off were the five people who bought Surfaces, because they realized that Windows 8 is actually kind of the best touch UI ever on a touch-screen device as it preferences Multitasking above all else and allows multiple full screen apps to run simultaneously on one screen, unlike any other mobile OS to date besides that crappy bootleg thing Samsung puts on their phones, but again...five people.

I dunno why I put the new Windows 8 bluescreen, but the fact it has an emote is delightfully stupid. 

And now, in some attempt at damage control, hardware laptop manufacturers (and desktop ones too) are hurriedly slamming touchscreens into their traditional laptops in some attempt to make this OS useable in some weird Hybrid environment (and selling touch screen monitors), Microsoft released Windows 8.1 (which actually isn't that bad but still has problems on a non-touch interface) as some token of goodwill that nobody noticed, and the new wave of Surface 2s came out and nobody knew why, and everybody just went back to buying Android and Apple tablets and ignoring the Surface entirely.

Which is totally Microsoft's fault, because they actually have a great product that that completely failed to market correctly.

This image could probably sell more Surfaces than all of Microsoft's marketing team. 

Ok, so here's a key thing to point out: the two versions of Surface are actually really different. Let me break it down for you in easy to use convenience. And if you didn't already know this, don't feel stupid. I'm a huge tech geek and I didn't know the exact differences until like a few months ago because Microsoft somehow intentionally made this stupid confusing. 

Pictured: Surface RT, not Pro. Really. I swear. 

Surface RT: This is the "regular" surface. The important thing about it is that it is not a laptop replacement, even though it runs Windows. It has a Desktop mode (though I don't know why; probably to run Office. Again...why is it not a Metro App?) but it can't run much of anything on it. It runs Windows RT, NOT WINDOWS 8.1. This is HUGE and Microsoft never bothered to tell anybody how dramatically different it is. Which is the biggest problem out of all of them: calling the OS "Windows" on a tablet that cannot run Windows programs. What does it run? Full-screen Metro "Apps" from the Windows Store (of which, on launch, they had next to nothing. They only barely got an official Facebook app).
It's worth noting: If you buy almost any windows "tablet," you are getting Window RT, NOT regular Windows 8.1. Again, I don't know how the heck Microsoft screwed up telling people this. The SURFACE RT will not run 90% of the software you already own for Windows. It is a tablet, not a laptop. 

This is the Surface PRo, not RT. It is completely different from the RT.  Wow, I can't possibly see how this could have caused marketing confusion!

Surface Pro: This baby is a tablet with legit laptop specs, an actual version of Windows on it, an i5 Pentium processor, a decent SSD, and a desktop that can run just about any Windows app. It has an integrated Intel video card so it can run some stuff (this thing ain't for hardcore gaming, but what laptop is?), but can also run all the same Metro apps from the Surface RT. In short, this thing is a laptop that has the sexiest form factor of all time, an excellent keyboard, extreme portability, a stand, and full Windows functionality. Basically, this is the best Windows laptop and the evolution of laptops as a whole.
And you wonder how they screwed this up.

I googled "Tablets" and got this picture. Note the lack of Windows tablets on here. Sad day. 

Did you know the difference between those two? No? Well, neither did anybody else, and with that moment of hesitation nobody bought them. Customers were left thinking "are these tablets? Or laptops? Or is one a tablet and the other a laptop? I know the Google Nexus is a tablet, and the Apple iPad is a tablet, but this Surface RT thing runs Windows...is it a laptop? I have a computer, I want a tablet...I think? Where's my dentures?"

So let me break it down how I would have fixed this if in some bizzaro world I was in charge of selling these puppies at Microsoft. Which will never happen because I know nothing about marketing, but bear with me here. Here's how you fix this.

I can get you your job back, Steve. 

1. Either dump the Surface RT, or Mash it into the Windows Phone line to prevent confusion. 
This is a big thing, maybe the biggest, is nobody knows what Surfaces are supposed to be. Well, maybe tech geeks do, but other people don't. Even now, nobody knows why they should get Windows tablets over other tablets. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Windows Tablets are actually pretty cool, if only because 1. They run Office and 2. They have the best multitasking UI interface out of any tablet to date. In fact, Windows 8's touchscreen interface is alarmingly good, absurdly intuitive once you learn it's basic nuances, and extremely powerful while still being totally unique from both Android and iOS (and let's be honest, there's a reason Apple tried to sue Google over Android's early interface. Originality earns a lot of points in my book). In addition, they have great UI ubquitiousness across Windows Phone, Windows 8, and Xbox, with their new UI. Point being: these are solid tablets.
So market them as tablets, not laptops. Call them Windows Tablets. Call them Slates. Call them something that isn't the same as your laptop replacement. And for the love of all that is good, don't call the interface Windows and make it look exactly like actual Windows, because it isn't actual Windows. Or at least call it something like Windows Mobile or Windows: The Edition That You Can't Do Much On or something, because nobody knows what Windows RT means.

2. Oh hey better yet, how about you just rebrand all your Phones to "Surfaces," and pull the Surface Pro out and name it something else?
Call Windows Phones "Surface Phones." Call the tablets the "Surface." Problem solved. Better yet, you now are grouping your less powerful device in with Phones, where people expect them to be less powerful. Now you've beat market confusion because people expect Surface RT (which is now just "Surface Not Phone") to be a more powerful phone, not an actual laptop replacement. And you get to rebrand your phones (which probably wouldn't hurt) and you have market consistency. Wow, what a good idea.

Presented without comment. 

3. Don't market Surface Pro as a tablet, market it as the Future of Laptops
Here is the biggest thing out of all of this: the Surface Pro is NOT A TABLET.
Yes you are all scratching your heads now, but hear me out.
What do you think of when I say tablet? You probably think an iPad or a Nexus 10 or something. Basically, something that runs a phone OS on a bigger screen, right? So when you pick up a "tablet" you expect to have that limited amount of functionality, because it's inherent to both the name and the design principles behind the system. It's going to be a somewhat closed system, it's going to run full-screen apps one at a time, and it's going to rely heavily on touch and not really work with older software. It's a closed system, in a way, but it is intentionally designed to do just one thing.
Surface Pro is not that at all. The Surface Pro is a laptop that is really thin, has a detachable keyboard, and looks super sexy. So market it like that. 
Go out there and say "Hey, remember laptops? Those bulky things with keyboards attached? So blasse, am I right?! We have this NEW laptop, where ALL LAPTOPS WILL BECOME THIS. It's called the SURFACETOP (ok the name need work; I can't do everything here), or the LAP...URFACE. I don't know. Look, the name doesn't matter as long as it isn't 'Surface.' This is the way laptops are gonna be. We're gonna talk to Asus, and Dell, and Gateway, and Acer, and all those guys and be like 'Yo, you make laptops that are actually flat and portable and have detatchable keybaords, aight?!' and force the market to move in that way because we are freaking Microsoft, the biggest software company in the entire world and the king of the computing scene."
Then they drop the mic and head off stage to the cheering of geeks and geeketts everywhere, prepping the evolution of laptops and moving everything forward instead of having the market try to play catch up with these bastard hybrid laptops with touchscreens.

To be fair, I own a touch screen windows 8 laptop, and all I can think of is how much better it would be if I could just pry the screen off every now and again. 

This is where Microsoft screwed (and is still screwing) it up. As an added bonus, in the wake of the Windows Tablet (again, we have totally different branding for something that doesn't run a real copy of Windows. All Surface RTs are Windows Tablets, but not all Windows Tablets are Surface RTs. Wow, such confusion, much headache) some companies are putting Atom processors into their Windows Tablets running RT, meaning these sort of "in-between" tablets can now actually run some programs in desktop mode, but not all. So now you have something between Surface RT and Surface Pro which can't replace laptops really, but can kind of do some laptop things? Like...whaaaat?

And I really like Surface Pros. They're a bit too pricey for my taste, but that's where good marketing could have fixed it. Rather than all these weird hybrid atom tablets and totally not tablets windows RT tablets, laptop makers could be making slate laptops at affordable, competitive prices. Does anybody make Windows slates with i5s in them besides Microsoft? If I did research before writing this I'd probably know, but I'm going to go with either "no" or "not enough for me to notice."

Warning: Bad language caption. Now I'm ruining my family friendly blog appeal.
(source: JonTron)

That is the key point. Microsoft could have become Apple. Back in 2010, Apple completely changed the entire way the market looks at computers. It was arguably one of the most brilliant shifts in how we perceive computers since the invention of the personal computer (plus it opened up a new field, HCI, so I finally can do something with my psychology degree!). While they couldn't have rivaled that, Microsoft has the stopping power in this industry to force a change in their direction. They made an OS that is completely reliant on touch technology, and works best on a tablet-like interface, but can still offer a full Windows experience if the device is powerful enough. If they'd just gone out and been like "Yo, this is what a Laptop is now, PARADIGM SHIFT!!!!" like Apple did with the iPad, they could have been pioneers (and gotten back at Apple for ripping them off after their tablet PCs failed years ago). The market would have moved with them. Laptops would (finally) be phased out and moved into this newer, more portable and more convenient system. And they could have still made their derpy basic tablets and just tied them into their phone line and everybody would have been happy.

I honestly don't blame Bill Gates for being annoyed at Apple. 

Instead, they made two-part tablet nightmare that nobody understood, fewer bought, and they're still attempting to fix the fallout of. Which is too bad, because Surface Pros are pretty damn cool, and I'd much rather have one of them than my laptop. As a bonus, since they're like a laptop but can be used like a tablet, people who need both devices (like me) could have just bought one device and beaten both markets. Microsoft would have, in a sort of sideways way, provided real competition to Android and iOS, while still remaining safely in the market they have supreme dominance: the laptop and personal computing market.

Unfortunately, this was not to be. And with the new wave of Surfaces simply being the exact same brand with a "2" at the end, it appears mistakes haven't been learned from, and history is doomed to repeat itself. So shed a single tear for the Microsoft Surface Pro, children. You were too beautiful for this world.

You deserved better, Surface Pro...WAIT. THIS IS THE SURFACE RT?! CURSE YOU MICROSOFT NOT AGAAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNN!!!